Braving Minneapolis

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…Theodore Roosevelt

In the month of June, I had the privilege of attending the Daring Way™ Training in Minneapolis. The Daring Way™ is curriculum based on the research of Dr. Brené Brown. Brené Brown has published various books covering the topics of shame, vulnerability, resilience, courage, worthiness, owning our story and so much more. I have been a fan girl for quite some time.  Not only do I enjoy and respect her research, I can relate to her story and voice. She is incredibly authentic about her struggles and background and she does not take herself too seriously. No question…she knows what she is talking about and her grounded theory method leads to many feeling like she is talking directly to them as they read and listen to her thoughts. Yet, she consistently presents as a human being, a flawed yet beautiful and impactful human being. (As I gush about her, you can see what I mean by fan girl.) For years I have wanted to attend this sought after training and, luckily, with the work that I am doing at Wise Health System, I was able to attend this year. My organization sent me because they recognize the value of this work and the impact it can have on our employees and the community.

I arrived in Minneapolis on a Sunday afternoon right as the Pride Parade was wrapping up. I immediately felt the vibrancy and warmth of this city. I checked into my huge hotel room at the Embassy Suites in Downtown Minneapolis (got quickly excited about not having to clean for 4 days and the idea of 8 hours of sleep without interruption.) My nights typically involve wrangling my 3 beautifully energetic, adventurous and messy children and then sharing the bed with all of them and their unique and unassuming sleeping positions.

That night I had the chance to catch up with a dear friend, Torie, who is wrapping up her law degree and doing important work in child protection. She told me about her love for the city, her dreams for her career and I felt like I got to know the woman she has become. I already loved this trip before my bucket list training even began.

daring way megan

Day One of The Daring Way™:  I wake up and only have to worry about getting myself ready!!! Wowza. When I drank my first cup of coffee for the day…it was HOT! So far, so good. I catch my scheduled ride to the training and have the pleasure of meeting an incredible primary care physician from Canada named Melanie. The driver pulled away not knowing that he was leaving another lady waiting on transportation behind but we quickly circled the block and came back to get her.  I am so glad that we met in this moment because she became an important fixture in my Minneapolis experience, and I am hopeful, that we will continue to explore this work and life together moving forward.

This training requires an application and pre-work process. I earned my way here and did the work to hold a seat with these impressive folks. Despite my excitement and preparation for this experience, as I hear members of my small group tell their stories and what brought them to this training…I have flooding thoughts of imposter syndrome. I am wondering if I have the chops to be here and I am praying that I have meaningful thoughts to share throughout this time.  The beauty of this curriculum focusing on shame, vulnerability, and living brave is that we all eventually discussed our fears and identified that multiple people in that room were feeling the exact same way. We cover values, relationships, trust, vulnerability, empathy and self-compassion during the activities and conversations of Day 1. This curriculum pushes you to face fears and own the thought processes that keep you from living an authentic life. You gain insight and courage to truly allow yourself to enter “the arena.” Exploring this with the women in my group, led by an incredible facilitator was a gift. Reeling from excitement and inspiration, 5 of us went to dinner at a great rooftop restaurant a few blocks from our hotel.  Three Canadians, a magical gal from San Fran, and I enjoyed conversation about human rights, politics, advocacy and dreams.  Building these relationships and debriefing the content of our training was arguably as beneficial as the training itself. I hope to always have the chance to touch base with these women and witness the amazing work they will do.

Day Two of Daring Way™: This was by far, from an emotionally challenging perspective, the toughest day of training. Shame was central to our conversations. I felt closer to each of the women in our group as we worked through tough topics and offered vulnerability, authenticity and empathy to one another. I was physically and emotionally whipped after 8 hours of shame education and processing, so I opted to spend my time that evening at the free happy hour and ordered an (essentially) free meal because I chose to go the green route and re-use my towels throughout my trip. (I received 2 $5 vouchers in turn for making an environmentally friendly choice – I have taken free meals for less honorable reasons.) Again, I was surrounded by colleagues who were also receiving this refining and thought-provoking training. We talked about parenting, magic, our specialties and, again, our dreams surrounding our practice and individual communities. I relished in this interaction and exchange.  Relationships are so valuable to me and most of my favorite people in life have come to me during these types of experiences.

daring way desk

Day Three of Daring Way™: We got to enter the Rising Strong™ curriculum on the final day of training. Throughout the Daring Way™, “participants are invited to examine the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that are holding them back and identify the new choices and practices that will move them toward more authentic and wholehearted living. The primary focus is on developing shame resilience skills and developing daily practices that transform the way we live, love, parent, and lead.”  When we Dare Greatly, we will fall. In Rising Strong™ participants learn “what it takes to get back up and how owning our stories of struggle gives us the power to write a daring new ending. Struggle can be our greatest call to courage and the clearest path to a wholehearted life.” We only partially delved into this material as we learned about expectations and next steps moving forward: four weeks of online training + six months of case consultation prior to becoming an officially Certified Daring Way Facilitator (CDWF.)

I said my goodbyes to my newly developed friendships, small group and my wonderful facilitator (who has an emphasis on mindfulness in her own practice which could NOT have been more perfect.) As I headed back to Texas, I was flooded with excitement to get back to my family, but also with inspiration and ideas about integrating this meaningful material into my practice, organization, blog, relationships and life in general.  My heart was (and still is) full of gratitude. The value of exploring these topics is difficult to express briefly. This work is life changing and the reality that I will be able to bring this work into my practice is ridonkulously amazing.

I continued with the four weeks of online training and am now getting set up with a case consultant to develop a relationship with and learn from over the next six months. I plan to offer groups, workshops, retreats, intensives and individual counseling utilizing this curriculum. My personal growth from this training is evidenced by my ability to realign with my core values, honor my boundaries, walk in authenticity and live brave. I cannot wait to share this with my clients and community. The practice of mindfulness is relevant to this work and discussed in both Daring Way™ and Rising Strong™. Let me know if you are interested in getting plugged in to an upcoming group, workshop, or retreat! You can also look for Daring Way™ opportunities near you here: The Daring Way

Check out my creative project on Shame versus Authenticity!

Until next time my friends.

Peace, love and laughter,

Megan

courage

*This image is from The Daring Way™ curriculum

Learning to Live with Intention

Intention.

Intentions.

Intentional.

This word, these words…are words that I have often struggled with, but also words that often present themselves during counseling sessions. My personal struggle with the word intentional is that I have never felt like I was intentional enough as a friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother, etc. I am not an awesome gift giver. I typically do not function with a great deal of advance notice, like 48 hours in advance is my average planning time. I may throw something on the calendar further out but the nitty gritty planning and prep happens last minute. This is not a representation of how invested in or how much I care about something, it’s the way I am wired. But I OFTEN say, we may be susceptible  to selfishness, forgetfulness, or other weaknesses but that does not mean that we cannot take steps and make changes so that we are better and ever-evolving humans.

I feel so loved when people are intentional with gifts, gestures, and acts of service. I am quick to compliment what I see as intentionality. Making intentionality a priority for me in regards to relationships continues to present me with a great deal of room for growth. It’s a work in progress. I love with enthusiasm, but planning ahead with creativity is something I am continuing to focus on. Because of this focus, my 2017 One Little Word was Intentional. If you have never heard of the One Little Word experience, check this wonderful website out. This is something I focus on each year.

I chose this word to focus on external relationships; I had no clue that perseverating on the word intentional would change my relationship with — ME. Studying and meditating on the meaning of intention and bringing intention into multiple spaces and places for me led to:

  • Recognize the thoughts that drove my decision and behaviors.
  • Focus on being present in interactions with others.
  • Bring attention with intention to my needs, my rhythm, and my purpose.
  • Appropriately gauge my expectations, in turn, reducing opportunity for resentment.

The perfectionist people pleaser chose a word to improve the way I poured out love but drawing awareness to my thoughts, words, and actions allowed me to grow in my understanding of my inner self. I was over simplifying the meaning and importance of intention. My journey with this word and concept allowed me to recognize the needs and expectations associated with relationships. The coolest part – in gaining awareness of my own needs and expectations, I believe I have become a better friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother, etc.  Not in the way I planned, but in a manner that promotes long term health in my relationships.

Recognize the thoughts that drive you.

Do you ever stop to consider what drives a decision or behavior? Why do you need to have that fight? Why do you need to take that drink? Why do you need to make a drastic change in your life? Why is saying those words important at this moment? What are your intentions? Is there necessity, purpose, or kindness in your intentions? Taking pause to consider the driving force behind our actions is monumental and simple. Think before you speak. Consider the collateral damage of your potentially misguided intentions. If you gather, after taking pause, that your decision is necessary, kind, or purposeful then keep on keeping on. However, if you draw awareness to lofty, selfish, or cruel intentions…maybe it’s a better idea to reflect on how you got to that point rather than reacting.

Focus on being present in your relationships.

Intentionality can be broken down and as simple as eye contact and avoiding distraction during quality time with those that you love. The willingness to focus and give the gift of time to someone is becoming more and more priceless with each addition of technology that makes work, news, to-do list, and noise more accessible. While we all have obligations and responsibilities, setting aside precious moments with your family and friends to sincerely hear them and respond thoughtfully is necessary. Promoting moments of genuine and focused connection helps those you love to feel valued.

Bring attention to your needs, rhythm, and purpose.

Are you intentionally finding moments to connect with YOU? I believe that when we are not in tune with the parts of us that make us unique we become incapable of holding authentic space with family and friends. If we cannot identify our needs, if we are out of touch with our individual rhythm, and if we have lost sight of our purpose…how can we have meaningful connection with others? Talk about imposter syndrome? Journaling, meditation, music, dance, nature, exercise, and a variety of other outlets can help us develop an inward awareness. Find moments to recognize the parts of your heart and mind that feel real to you. Recreate these moments as often as you can. When we grow in familiarity with ourselves, it can help to enhance emotional regulation because of the deeper level of understanding we achieve regarding our feelings and reactions.

Gauge expectations and reduce resentment.

As a people pleaser from way back, I can tell you a thing or two about resentment. Not clearly gauging and communicating expectations, leads to feelings of disappointment and resentment.  Check your expectations. The best example of this I have heard comes from Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong. She tells a personal story about parenting. When one spouse is out of town, the other spouse can manage to juggle all the roles and responsibilities with minimal stress. They make it work. When both parents are in town, busy weekends end up leading to increased conflict and frustration. The root of this is when we know we have to make it work alone; we manage with minimal emotional reaction. When we anticipate that having our partner around will make the busy weekend stress free because they will manage half of the responsibilities  AND we do not clearly communicate these expectations…we end up feeling ALL the resentment. We must create realistic expectations and have assertive communication about said expectations. No one is going to read your mind. Without sharing your hopes and dreams for days, weekends, or life in general with the people that you do life with, you set the stage for bitterness and resentment.  This is wrapped up in the word INTENTIONAL, because this behavior was something I had to intentionally implement into my life, specifically my marriage. My hubs is great at a lot of things, reading my mind is NOT one of them. If I clearly express my plans and the role I hope for him to play in those plans…we have the chance to either agree to move forward or make amendments to my unrealistic ideas. This level of intentional and assertive communication has been meaningful in minimizing resentment and enhancing our connection.

In my One Little Word journal, I listed these synonyms for intentional: conscious, purposeful, willful. If we set out to live a mindful life…we must learn to speak, act, live, and love with intention. We have power in choosing our reactions to the waves that crash into our lives. Enhance your awareness, define your values, and live with intention. I am thankful to have had this journey with these words. Exploring these concepts with an open mind led to a complete different end result that I planned on and it was such a necessary lesson for me to learn.

Let me know your thoughts on the meaning of intention. How do you implement intention into your life and relationships? I want to hear from you and I would love for you to subscribe to my blog!

Peace love and laughter,

Megan

photo credit: angiedevon (instagram)

Constantly Connected: Is our internet reliance stealing our humanity?

Social media is a driver for my side gig, my blog, and a crutch for relationships that may thrive in a more vibrant way if I did not rely on apps on my phone for the upkeep of those relationships. That is a difficult reality to face, especially when I promote the value of human connection regularly. Rather than scrap-booking or printing photos, I rely on moments or “on this day” features. Rather than texting my friend to ask how her kiddo’s party was, I will just watch her timeline for photos and make a meaningful comment. I check my events tab rather than writing down birthdays in my calendar.  Perhaps social media is the equivalent of cliff notes for human interaction, it brushes the surface and hits the high points but lacks the emotion, connection, and depth for which we are all yearning.

If you talk to me long enough, I might hop up on a soap box about screen time, social media, and how they rob our children of their capacity for human interactions and engaging in meaningful ways. Recently I have been digging into the concept of human connection and our need for tangible, face to face, and meaningful relationships and interactions. In conversations with clients, I have explored the reality of loneliness, the damage of the comparison trap, and how social media can drive home our irrational need for perfectionism. We can easily find ourselves trapped in a battle to save face and match our real lives with our profile. How much do we lose in this fight? I fear that we are losing our capacity for connection, but also ourselves.

In the online article “Why We Are Wired to Connect,” Matthew Lieberman discusses how crucial social connection is to our ability to thrive as healthy humans:

Across many studies of mammals, from the smallest rodents all the way to us humans, the data suggests that we are profoundly shaped by our social environment and that we suffer greatly when our social bonds are threatened or severed.  When this happens in childhood it can lead to long-term health and educational problems.  We may not like the fact that we are wired such that our well-being depends on our connections with others, but the facts are the facts.

We are herd animals. The pattern of behavior associated with screen time and social media obsession leads to isolation and loneliness. If you take a few moments to read my post on Finding Your Tribe, you will learn the impact of meaningful human connection on our brains. Positive and meaningful, face-to-face engagement with loved ones promotes the release of oxytocin in our brains and promotes emotional regulation.  Loneliness and isolation promotes cortisol and leads to our body’s suffering from the ill effects of long term stress. Medium.com has a great article on this topic, this excerpt from The Science of Human Connection and Wellness in a Digitally Connected World says:

Today, modern communication and technology has forever changed the landscape of our human interaction, and as such, we often decline without this type of meaningful personal contact. Today’s highly individualistic, digitally remote, and material driven culture is now challenging all of this, as we turn to science to unlock the mysteries of human connection and wellness in a digitally connected world.

Read that again. We decline when we neglect our need for human connection. Human connection and wellness are closely intertwined. We thrive in community. We rely on human connection. We are starved for physical contact. However, I think we are fooling ourselves into believing that the accessibility of engagement through social media can replace human connection. According to a study conducted in 2002, it was found that online interaction does not replace face to face human connection. In fact, online interaction increases loneliness.

Y’all…Myspace was still a thing in 2002. We have fallen deeper in our reliance on internet based interactions since 2002. While this day in age is progressive, I am not convinced that the current level of remote accessibility should be viewed as merely progress. I have no doubt that the climbing rate of depression and suicide is impacted by our reliance on social media and subsequent neglect of human connection.

As I mentioned from the start of this post…I rely on social media and the internet for my side business, for promoting my blog, and for networking in general. I believe that when utilized in a healthy manner, digital connection and having the world at our fingertips can be beneficial. Access to information and broadened audiences is great! However, as Aristotle says, “the man of virtue is the man of balance.” Virtue can be dangerous when exhibited in extremes. I believe this concept…the art of balance…needs to be applied to our use of social media and digital connection.  The risk lies in the moments when our identity, self-esteem, and worthiness come from our online persona. If our children’s communication is reliant on a keyboard and their faculties are lost in the face of in-person conversation, there is a problem. We need to check in with ourselves (& our families) and practice the pursuit of balance and focus on fostering human connection in today’s widely isolated culture.

One of my favorite words is Ubuntu, a South African term that has no English equivalent.  In essence, Ubuntu means we are all connected. We are all in this together. My freedom is wrapped up in your freedom.  My happiness is wrapped up in your happiness. While we have more readily available information about the struggles that people face on a daily basis and are arguably more aware of pain, hunger, war, genocide, and other evils of this world than we were 20 years ago…we also have the firewall of distance to protect us from emotional involvement. We are removed and desensitized.

We can do better. We are capable of promoting increased humanity in our lives. The Facebook Experiment was a study conducted in Denmark that revealed that people who took a break from social media demonstrated improved well-being and increased positive emotions. This does not have to be permanent, but perhaps avoiding your phone or social media for the first and last hour of your day. Engage with your family. Plan a dinner date with your friend rather than browsing their page for updates. Hold eye contact with the people you talk to. Avoid filling moments of discomfort with mindless scrolling. Mindlessness, disconnection, isolation, comparison, and negative coping skills can all be fostered through unhealthy habits surrounding social media engagement and reliance on digital connection. Engage with living, breathing humans…it will benefit you and those around you!

Take a few moments and watch this video (link below,) this precious child on NBC DFW’s “Tell Me Something Good” segment was encouraged to greet, hold eye contact, and shake the hand of each child entering the school on this particular morning! We need more of this simple, but so meaningful, human connection.  https://www.nbcdfw.com/news/local/TMSG-Kindergarten-Class-Shake-Hands-Smile-Every-Morning_Dallas-Fort-Worth-483569731.html

 

Finding Your Tribe: The Struggle and Significance of Seeking Connection

I find understanding the body’s reaction to stress, depression, anxiety, intimacy, etc. fascinating but, also, necessary. I am of the opinion that if we wrap our minds around the nuts and bolts of our thoughts and behaviors then we might have the opportunity to feel more in control as we experience certain thoughts and behaviors. What if I told you that there is a physical reaction to friendship? Genuine connection and the ability to share, vent, and connect with authenticity can promote oxytocin production. Building connections with other people helps us to achieve a higher level of happiness and relaxation.

First, let’s briefly discuss the depressed brain. Serotonin, oxytocin, and cortisol are vital to our emotional regulation. Serotonin is the “feel good” neurochemical, oxytocin could be called the connection or bonding neurotransmitter, and cortisol is directly related to stress.  A depressed brain has increased levels of cortisol, decreased serotonin and oxytocin, and demonstrates dysfunction in the hippocampus and amygdala. The hippocampus is responsible for holding memories and controls cortisol, the amygdala facilitates emotional responses. The depressed brain releases cortisol at higher levels which can increase the size of the amygdala and, in turn, disrupts our ability to regulate our emotional responses and also hightens anxiety and fear. Due to the level of anxiety, irrational fears, sleep disturbances, etc. isolation becomes a natural reaction to depression. You can feel increasingly insecure and anxious about interactions, you are lacking in bonding chemicals, and you probably lack the energy to pursue social interaction. Unfortunately, isolation simply promotes the cycle of depression.  Creating opportunities for human connection can serve as a meaningful coping skill to manage feelings of depression.  Oxytocin is released when you feel bonded or connected. Interaction with a good friend, hugging someone you love, breastfeeding your baby, intimacy with your partner…these are all great ways to promote oxytocin production in your brain. Oxytocin supports serotonin and helps to calm hyperactivity of the amygdala.  Oxytocin can help to deter feelings of depression.

So back to friendship…I have found that as I transitioned into career, marriage, and family mode I have struggled to achieve a healthy balance when considering human connection. I find myself in ruts where my priorities seem to be centered on my to-do lists. Task oriented and productivity focused, I miss out on opportunities for connection.  Rather than snuggling my babies for 10 extra minutes, I get up and do the dishes. Trying to find intimate moments with my hubby becomes increasingly difficult as we achieve new milestones with our growing and involved children.  But the area that I found myself neglecting in the most severe manner was friendship.

I think about my college years when my friends made my world go round. I had multiple dear and precious souls who were seemingly attached at my hip. These relationships were formative, defining, and memorable. When I think back on moments from these years, there are consistent human connections that drive how these memories flood back into my brain. The food we ate, the perfume my friend wore, the bars we went to, the apartments and homes we lived in…I remember the people in these memories far more vividly than the places and details. And sensory encounters with familiar smells or sounds help me go back to these moments of vulnerability and connection often.

The struggle that I (and I am sure many of you) face in the midst of juggling career/marriage/parenting is finding this level of connection in my friendships today. Nothing can replace those defining years of transitioning from a child to an adult…but how can we achieve oxytocin promoting connection and vulnerability as adults?

Prioritize Friendship

Make a point to foster your current relationships and build new friendships. Who would you call for an impromptu coffee date, a concert, a trip to the local winery, or just to chat about life? If you cannot think of someone, perhaps finding your people is something you could make time for. Trust me, I have allowed insecurity and fear keep me from building relationships with people in my adult years. I tell myself all the reasons why someone would not want to hang out with me:  they already have found their circle, they will judge my worldview or parenting style, I will judge their worldview and parenting style, they might think I am not __(choose your insecurity of the day)__ enough. However, I have found that often times the people I fear reaching out to happen to be just as hungry for connection and if they are not and reject you …they are not right for your life anyhow.  The morale of the story is you must promote your own social life. Make a point to set aside time to connect with adults who remind you of your identity outside of the many hats you juggle.

Call your friend. Schedule lunch, dinner, drinks, coffee, or a phone date. And if you have a difficult time justifying adding these times to your calendar…remember that it is literally good for your brain. These connections and this time building your relationships promote oxytocin and helps deter or fight depression and anxiety. Consider it part of your self-care regimen.

Find People Who Promote Your Vibration

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’”
C.S. Lewis

I recently shared a quote on my Facebook page from Lalah Delia that says: “The way you consistently treat, think, and talk about others is your vibration.” I think there is so much truth to this, what energy are we emitting? Are we spending our days talking negatively about people or are we nourishing our minds with conversations of dreams and ideas? Are you lifting ourselves with positive self-talk and sending out good vibes and thoughts to those around us or are we sinking into over-analyzation, insecurity, anger, or resentment? Do you vibrate with positive energy and light for others to breathe in or do you suck the life out of the room?

Evaluating our own vibration and choosing to surround ourselves with people who help us achieve a level of authenticity is life-changing. Choose to surround yourself with people who encourage you to be a better version of you! Choose those who demonstrate compassion, empathy, vulnerability and allow you to do the same. Choose to spend time with people that allow you to feel light and shiny when you leave their presence rather than wondering what you could have done better to improve that connection. I hope you have experienced the moments where genuine connection reminds you that you are not alone…there are people out there who dance to the same rhythm as you; you just need to find them.

vibration

Authenticity and Trust are Musts

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”  Brene Brown

I have absolutely been in situations where I try (with everything in me) to force friendship. I laugh at things that are not particularly funny, I keep quiet about reactions that might ruffle feathers, and I find myself walking away from these encounters wondering what is wrong with me. I over-analyze why it did not go well and why I do not feel connected to them. Sure, you have off days and tough interactions sometimes…but I genuinely believe that finding people who you naturally connect with is necessary. It is so affirming. I love having those friendships that allow me to settle in, react honestly, and be the truest version of myself.

Vulnerability requires a level of trust.  If I have been hurt or betrayed by someone, I am less likely to reveal my inner most thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Forgiveness is beautiful and possible…it may just take time. Simple tokens of consistency and concern prove that I can trust people in my life. I continue to work on my ability to demonstrate intentionality and consistency in my relationships, because I know the value of what Brene Brown would call “Marble Jar Friends.” (Check out the video embedded at the end for the perfect anecdote to understand the meaning of Marble Jar friends.)

I am lucky to have these relationships in my life. These authentic friendships also benefit the hopeless people pleaser in me…I do not have to work hard to please these people, because they are MY people. They are such shining and refreshing lights in my life.  I will choose to continue to foster the friendships that I have found and be open to new people who could come along and impact change in my heart, mind, soul, and life. Thank you to my tribe for being MY people…I hope that I am worthy of the love and light I receive from you and that I am sending the good vibrations back to you!  xoxoxoxoxo

 

Peace, love, and laughter,

Megan

 

 

 

Bloody Noses, Broken Bones, & Bodily Functions

Motherhood is full of excitement. My journey as a mother has been particularly eventful over the last few months. If you have been plugged into my blog for some time, you might know that my youngest has had a couple of extended hospitalizations lately. She is well now, but kept us on our toes for her first year of life. Last week was wild and crazy in the life and times of the Adams Family. Let me tell you about it and explain the radio silence over the last nine days.

On Friday the 13th, we traveled to Cook Children’s for the THIRD time in 4 months. Now if you have any superstitious bones in your body you might believe tough times come in 3’s and, well, no explanation is required for Friday the 13th. I am not even a superstitious person and those circumstances had me feeling pretty extra that morning.  This trip was for our Rad Man. Our 3 year old boy had a trampoline accident, and I was convinced before arriving at the Emergency Room that his tibia was fractured. This notion was confirmed and we left the hospital a few hours later with a hard splint and firm non-weight bearing instructions. Imagine any 3 year old boy’s ability to be compliant with these marching orders for an extended period of time.  Yikes…we figured we were in for it.

Let’s take a step back to earlier in the week. Our first born, sweet, and serious Lennon fell off the monkey bars and bloodied her nose. I got a call from the nurse, all was well, no need to panic. When I see her after school, she (Lennon not the nurse) informs me that she will probably have a black eye from the fall. She was bummed to wake up with NO battle scars. She also has developed an obsession with a walking boot I have from a minor surgery years ago…she loves putting it on and walking with crutches. It is the same kind of fascination with wanting glasses, braces, or wanting any distinguishing mark that sets you apart from the pack. Lennon is the oldest of 3, she feels every emotion intensely, and her intelligence and focus make her a really low maintenance child. For all of these reasons…there are times when she has to scream (literally or figuratively) for attention. When I am present enough in the moment to realize that this sweet 6 year old (who most of the time behaves more like a 12 year old) needs some tender loving care…the attention seeking moments are easy to deter.

It is also relevant to add that I had a fever for the first time that I can remember in years on Friday and Saturday. It takes a lot for me to claim that I am not feeling well, but I was NOT feeling well, certainly subpar.  Productive coughing always makes me feel like I am on my “A” game too, optimally attractive and classy.  I try to be grateful for the spring weather as my allergies cause me to hack up whatever is filling my chest and head with congestion. I find obstructed breathing to be extremely irritating.  I like to believe that I can handle stress well, but agitation and febrility upped the ante.

So welcome back to Friday the 13th. Boy-child with a hip to toe splint is lying flat on his back for all the hours.  Sweet six year old is crying out for TLC and to be set apart from her brother and sister who tend to generate a lot of excitement.  The joyful one year old is actually the easiest and breeziest one in the mix…just loving life and eating all the food. Oh wait…she did have one projectile vomiting episode but that was while she was at the babysitter’s house and (PRAISE JESUS) that did not continue at our already wild house.  Cody was present and helpful for all of these moments, but there is certainly something about Momma in these situations.

I did not handle the entirety of this weekend well. I threatened more punishment than I followed up on. I was strung too thin. I did not make presence a priority and I was reactive rather than preventative in my parenting style. I was experiencing stress and handling it poorly. I was not using my body’s reaction to stress for good…I was letting everything pile up. And then I was frustrated with myself. Overanalyzing Lennon’s need for attention, feeling terrible for and owning Radly’s pain, griping at Cody to take my stress away as if he could read my mind, and feeling guilty for allowing Maya to eat way too many rice puff snackies.

I am so thankful for my profession and the work I get to do daily, because it helped me quickly recognize the shame storm that I voluntarily entered into. The fact that I was sick and sleep deprived definitely allowed me to get to a place of shame, stress, and reactivity but the beauty in recognizing it was that I could turn it all around. I could slow the pace, adjust my expectations, and prioritize mindfulness and self-care.

I told Cody that I was going to take a bath, one of my favorite things to do but something that rarely happens. I turned on a Chopra Center guided meditation and soaked in a bath with essential oils for about 30 minutes. Then the kiddos came in the bathroom, but that was great. I welcomed their interaction with me. The ability to hit reset on my mindset changed the game!  The rest of the day was more productive and went smoothly.  I did not get everything that needed to be done completed. But I was much more capable of being in the moment with my family. I also felt proud and excited to not only recognize the need for change, but to be able to draw on the right tools to create change.

I cannot promise much about raising children because each tiny human is unique and the rapid evolution of their preferences and personalities make each journey exciting and unpredictable. I can promise that you will not always get it all done! I can also promise that you are going to be way too hard on yourself. Perfection should not be the goal in parenthood.  The ability to tune in to your children is priceless. Take moments to hear their hearts and fill their souls. And give yourself some grace and space when you need to hit reset!

These precious babes are building their self-image, world view, and learning how to treat others based heavily on their interactions at home. Yes…this feels like pressure, BUT choose to feel empowered by this.  If nothing else gives you motivation to remove distractions and make mindfulness a priority…think about the impact that these moments of awareness could have on your family. Mother Theresa said, “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.”  Even if the moments filled with bloody noses, broken bones, and bodily functions; when we feel like we have lost all control over the situation…take pause, bring your focus to the present moment, and move forward in love and grace!

 

Peace, Love, and Laughter,
Megan